I have fallen in love many times in my life, few of which led to relationships that were either disrupted by lack of faithfulness or inability to be loved the way I wanted. Many of them were broken even before they started.
1. Love is scraped off
I met this lovely guy, who is mature, godly as well. Of course we went on smoothly as friend and knew we love each other, we loved hard and most of the times they were people I learnt a lot from intellectually but the problem comes once I’m aware am older than them. Then the love become scraped off. Those innocent guys with their good heart most times wondered what they have done wrong. But never get an explanation. And I myself asked nature why am always falling in love with guys I’m older? But because am a strong lady I put my hurt beside my smile and live as a wounded lion. It makes me scared if I’ll ever see someone who is older than me to love. Fear and agony.
2. I became mean
Because I fall in love so easily, am very emotional than I ought to be. I get lost in most of the euphoria of the feelings I find myself. I ran into this guy some days ago, very mature and of course godly and cute but there are certain things involved. Number is the barrier I have been battling with in every of my feeling of love. I became so mean and angry I never cross his part again. Of course when he saw me few days after he felt I was mad. He gave me the space I needed but I knew he was hurt.
My esteem has been broken time without number because of this. So many people sees me as mean also.
3. I am a workaholic
I needed love so bad, I wanted a relationship so good that I worked so hard and never remembered I needed to love too small. The little time I had, I spent much of it on people I love. But I just met this guy. Everything was working so perfectly and after a week I decided I needed to find out much about him. I waited for him to ask me out, he didn’t but of course am sure he loves me, so I worked so hard to let go of my emotion I was hiding behind my weakness so that no one will see that I’m weak.
I’m weak for love!
And after a while I gave up on it because I was scared I will some day lose it to some lady who never knew how much I tried to get it.
Am I a slave to love?
Slavery to what I should be master of?
4. I’m pretending but dying.
I died long ago when I lost someone I loved so much. Of course it was not to death. It was to some lady who could give him sex while I could not. I spent some months of my life dying within me but I was out there pretending to the whole world that I was fine. For few years I suffered chronic ulcer gotten from stress of a broken heart. I got off my knees months later actually like everything was fine but I knew I was really dying. I achieve my goal, I am focused on my dream but slowly and steadily I’m dying but pretending to be alive. Everyone needs to die for something anyway, but really I think I’m dying for falling in love with people I should not have fallen for.
5. I don’t see sex as pleasurable.
Most youth of my age group has lost their virginity but here I am keeping mine, someone reading may say that it is because I have not seen someone to give it to. No, I just cannot imagine any man laying on me and putting any muscular instrument inside me. It does not sound fun to me. Love has killed the pleasure I ought to have. I lost someone I loved so much because I could not give sex to him at the time he needed it. “That was not your fault”, someone said, “you did the right thing”, another said. But how come true love is hard to get even when you are a beautiful young lady who is trying to make an impact in the world. Could It be that love is not so necessary? Is it for a few? Does love truly last forever?